- While struggling with the duties of parenting, Babette Lockefeer considered leaving her business.
- Her husband did not agree with her decision to quit her job and be a stay at home mom.
- Lockefeer was angry at first, but later realized that she wouldn’t be happy if she didn’t work.
This essay is based on a transcribed conversation with Babette Lockefeer, 35, from the Netherlands, about navigating motherhood alongside her career. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
Four months after my second child was born, I wasn’t living life the way I had imagined.
I was in the middle of a big project for my business as a team leader and facilitator and I was struggling to balance my career and motherhood. I felt overwhelmed, stressed and sleep deprived.
In the summer of 2021, I told my husband that I wanted to leave the business. He immediately said no.
At first I was angry. I’ve always valued doing important work and my career, and I was willing to stop doing that for our family, but I felt like he wasn’t letting me.
Over time, I realized she was right: I wouldn’t be happy as a stay-at-home mom. Talking with my husband and working through my feelings helped me realize that being a mother wasn’t a detriment to my career. I had to deal with some insecurities and make some changes at home to realize that I could do both.
I have always been a high achiever at work
I started my career in 2014 as a consultant at McKinsey. I spent two and a half years there, but in 2016, I joined Alibaba as a global leadership associate. I spent about half a year in their Dutch office, helping Dutch e-commerce players connect with the Chinese market.
In the summer of 2017, my husband, whom I had met as a student, and I moved to China and worked for Alibaba in Hangzhou.
I liked it a lot. We had monthly trainings where we learned more about China, e-commerce and leadership. The training made me realize that my true interests lie in leadership development. In 2018, I left Alibaba and started my own business in the leadership space, TheoryY.
At that time I was also pregnant with my first child. Five months after his birth, in December 2019, we decided to leave China and return to the Netherlands.
Shortly after we returned, the COVID-19 pandemic hit. I got pregnant again and had a second child in February 2021. Due to the pandemic, it was difficult to have family assistance for childcare or access to day care.
About 10 weeks after giving birth, I started a new project with my business after referring a new client. Our newborn didn’t like to sleep, so we had a lot of broken nights.
For me, motherhood was about having a healthy relationship with my children, being present and taking care of all their needs.
This was impossible to achieve all the time. I was very tired, overwhelmed and full of doubts. In retrospect, I still did a good job as a mother, but I would adopt the myth of the perfect mother.
Society’s view of an ideal mother is in direct opposition to that of an ideal employee. The employee is always available and wants to do more, but the mother must also be fully committed and always have the space to meet the needs of her children.
I’ve always been a high achiever at work, but now, I had less time and energy to go the extra mile. I worked fewer hours than before I had children, but when I was with my children I was not always present because I was thinking about work. I felt like I wasn’t doing a good job on the work front or the mothering front.
My husband didn’t think leaving him would make me happy
My husband worked full time. He was very involved as a father. When our second child was born, he took several parental leaves, spread throughout the year, plus six weeks of maternity leave. But because I was self-employed and had more flexibility, I was always picking up things that fell off the wagon – which was a lot of times during COVID.
I spread out my hours, sometimes working evenings, so I could still do the tasks I was hired to do. We never had a consistent schedule and I felt like I was putting out fires. Whenever a child was sick or had a doctor’s visit, the mental load was mostly on my shoulders.
When I talked to my husband about quitting, he said he didn’t think it was the right decision. He also wanted to spend time with our children and felt it wasn’t fair if he was the sole breadwinner.
He also said he didn’t think I would be happy as a stay-at-home mom. I disagreed, saying I wasn’t happy as it was.
I talked to my husband, processed my feelings and decided to continue working
From our first conversation, it was clear that we were not aligned, so we continued to discuss it.
I shared that I felt I was undervalued and unappreciated by him if I wasn’t achieving something professionally. He told me he still valued me now that I was a mother and wasn’t on a steep career trajectory at the time.
I decided to continue working, but we also changed some practical things for our family. When our third child was born in July 2023, my husband was given 26 weeks of parental leave by his new company and he took it all, taking full responsibility for the family for the first time.
It allowed me to fully trust him with the kids and the ongoing family business, so our dynamic has become more equal. We don’t split things 50-50 all the time, but we regularly discuss how to best share responsibilities between us.
Looking back, I’m thankful that my husband could see that, in the long run, it wasn’t a good idea for me to quit. I need the intellectual stimulation that comes from a job, and my job fills me with energy to emerge as the mother and partner I want to be.
Do you have a story about balancing parenthood with your career? Email Charissa Cheong at ccheong@businessinsider.com